You Might Be A Nurse If…

**You hope there is a special place in hell for the inventor of the call light.

**You believe that not all patients are annoying…some are dead.

**You believe that the gene pool could use a little chlorine.

**You believe that no matter how much you care…some people are still assholes.

**You believe that PIA (Pain in the ass) is an acceptable admitting diagnosis from ER.

**You don’t mention the name of a frequent flyer so as not to invoke his spirit to bring him/her to the ER and then to your unit.

**When asked “What color is the patients diarrhea or vomit?”…you show the doctor your shoes.

**You can discuss dismemberment over a meal like it is normal.

**You look in your closet and you can’t find anything non-medical to wear.

**You can comfort anxious patients with…”I know just how you feel. It’s my first IV too.”

**When you get a call telling you the name of your next patient you have the care plan done before they get to the floor.

**When called for orders…the MD says…”Write them yourself-you know the patient better than I do.”

**You believe all bleeding stops….EVENTUALLY!

**You believe everybody has to die sometime.

**You ever told a confused patient your name was that of your co-worker and to YELL really loud if they needed help.

**You know it’s a full moon without having to look at the sky.

**You’ve ever held a 14 gauge needle over a patients vein and said…”okay…you’re going to feel a little stick.”

**You believe in the aerial spraying of prozac.

**You have encouraged obnoxious patients to sign out AMA.

**You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.

**You believe every waiting room should have a valium salt-lick.

**You firmly believe that “too stupid to live” should be a diagnosis.

**You have to leave the patient before you begin to laugh uncontrollably.

**You believe a good tape job will fix anything.

**You have your weekends off planned a year in advance.

**You look at the veins of everybody you meet.

**You think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is totally appropriate in some cases.

**You have ever restrained somebody…and it wasn’t a sexual experience.